Onion Article Gets Fantasy Juices Flowing
Random thoughts while wondering what ever happened to Al Jones:
Food Fantasy Dept.: I know that this story from the Onion is pretend, but it got me thinking about the possibilities of a partnership between the Food Network and the NHL:
1) Alton Brown crossing the country on a Zamboni
2) Emeril doing color, shouting "Bam" every time there is a fight
3) "Shoot the puck at Sandra Lee" night
4) Robert Irvine's most impossible mission yet: Fixing the Chicago Blackhawks.
5) Hockey players unwrapped.
6) The Secret Life of Pucks
7) Kitchen Stadium is moved to Madison Square Garden and Iron Chef contestants cooking on Ice Skates
8) Food Network trades Bobby Flay to the Bruins as an enforcer.
9) Rachael Ray does "30 Minute Hockey Meals" geared to players with no teeth.
10) Michael Chiarello-Locker room reporter
Check Please Dept.: While the White Sox just finished off a long term extension with a guy that can't make it out of the fourth inning, their workhorse is still unsigned and probably will remain that way until the end of the season when he signs with another team. I still have no clue what Kenny Williams is thinking when he can sign Vasquez but is worlds apart on Mark Burlhe, not to mention Jermaine Dye. And, they still can't beat anyone in spring training.
Bubble Bubble Toil & Trouble Dept. Pt. 2: Looks like Wright State just burst the bubble for some larger conference team. Wow, two teams from the Horizon Conference in the big dance. How about that parity, huh?
Head in the Sand Dept.: In this interview, the new President of the Cubs, John McDonough says in regard to his team's off season spending spree, "The commissioner understands it's very important to have a successful team in Chicago." Um John, there already is one. We call them the White Sox. Please purchase a clue at your earliest convenience.
I don't know what's worse about the Cubs brass: Their ability to woefully misjudge talent or their contention that only they count.
Viva Las Vegas Dept.: The owners of the Pittsburgh Penguins have met with officials in Las Vegas about the possible relocation of the team there. Don't worry purists, no decent commissioner would allow his sport to put a team in Vegas. Oh no! Hockey does not have a decent commissioner! Slots in the locker rooms for everyone!
Thaw Out Dept.: Yet another sure sign of spring: Tony Stewart complaining about something.
Large Hat Size Dept.: Baseball great (just ask him) Bob Feller was uninjured in a parking lot car mishap where someone backed into him. Upon examination, it was determined the 88 year old Feller was okay. Feller's air bag did not deploy, but he was protected by his inflated ego.
Let My People Go Dept.: Looks like GW is going to pardon Scooter Libby "because of the way he was treated." Let's see, the guy lied to congress, lied to investigators, wouldn't take the stand during the trial is obviously protecting his former boss, Dick Chaney and yet they don't like the way he's being treated. I think sending him to jail is exactly how he should be treated.
Rich Man Poor Man Dept.: Microsoft Chairman and gazillionaire Bill Gates, appearing before congress, made a strong push for improving our educational system in the US. Gates wanted the congress to fund more math and science curriculum in schools.
Members of congress responded that as long as Gates was there, would he mind taking a look at their PC because sometimes it locks up and they lose all their work.
Bigger Mac Dept.: McDonald's wants your arteries to harden even more quickly.
I Have Sinned Against You Dept.: What's that deal in the Bible about "judge not, lest ye be judged." Apparently Richard Land didn't get the memo.
Here's the problem with the hard core Christian right: They vote for the candidate who best meets their moral objective rather than a candidate who can move the country forward. This actually, as we have experienced the last six years, moves the country backward.
Why should the Southern Baptist Convention have an office of public policy anyway? When is someone going to threaten these churches with the loss of their tax exempt status if they don't act more like a church and less like a PAC?
Quiet Please Dept.: Prosecutors want a gag order for the case of a DC madame who was recently arrested because she could potentially embarrass her customers. I, for one, would love to know what Dick Chaney's peccadilloes are.
Larger Capacity Dept.: Tivo and Amazon are about to cost you a lot of money without even leaving your easy chair.
Fire Two Dept.: As correctly predicted in this column, it looks like CBS is following in the footsteps of NBC. If this move doesn't work, you may soon be watching the "CBS Evening News with Rachael Ray."
Hugo Away Dept.: GW is going to lecture South Americans on the evils of Venezuela. BTW, have you seen those Citgo commercials? They are practically propaganda for the Chavez government. And they are running in our homes right now.
Dog Gone Dept.: And now, an important message from Butkus:
Butkus D. Dogg
Food Fantasy Dept.: I know that this story from the Onion is pretend, but it got me thinking about the possibilities of a partnership between the Food Network and the NHL:
1) Alton Brown crossing the country on a Zamboni
2) Emeril doing color, shouting "Bam" every time there is a fight
3) "Shoot the puck at Sandra Lee" night
4) Robert Irvine's most impossible mission yet: Fixing the Chicago Blackhawks.
5) Hockey players unwrapped.
6) The Secret Life of Pucks
7) Kitchen Stadium is moved to Madison Square Garden and Iron Chef contestants cooking on Ice Skates
8) Food Network trades Bobby Flay to the Bruins as an enforcer.
9) Rachael Ray does "30 Minute Hockey Meals" geared to players with no teeth.
10) Michael Chiarello-Locker room reporter
Check Please Dept.: While the White Sox just finished off a long term extension with a guy that can't make it out of the fourth inning, their workhorse is still unsigned and probably will remain that way until the end of the season when he signs with another team. I still have no clue what Kenny Williams is thinking when he can sign Vasquez but is worlds apart on Mark Burlhe, not to mention Jermaine Dye. And, they still can't beat anyone in spring training.
Bubble Bubble Toil & Trouble Dept. Pt. 2: Looks like Wright State just burst the bubble for some larger conference team. Wow, two teams from the Horizon Conference in the big dance. How about that parity, huh?
Head in the Sand Dept.: In this interview, the new President of the Cubs, John McDonough says in regard to his team's off season spending spree, "The commissioner understands it's very important to have a successful team in Chicago." Um John, there already is one. We call them the White Sox. Please purchase a clue at your earliest convenience.
I don't know what's worse about the Cubs brass: Their ability to woefully misjudge talent or their contention that only they count.
Viva Las Vegas Dept.: The owners of the Pittsburgh Penguins have met with officials in Las Vegas about the possible relocation of the team there. Don't worry purists, no decent commissioner would allow his sport to put a team in Vegas. Oh no! Hockey does not have a decent commissioner! Slots in the locker rooms for everyone!
Thaw Out Dept.: Yet another sure sign of spring: Tony Stewart complaining about something.
Large Hat Size Dept.: Baseball great (just ask him) Bob Feller was uninjured in a parking lot car mishap where someone backed into him. Upon examination, it was determined the 88 year old Feller was okay. Feller's air bag did not deploy, but he was protected by his inflated ego.
Let My People Go Dept.: Looks like GW is going to pardon Scooter Libby "because of the way he was treated." Let's see, the guy lied to congress, lied to investigators, wouldn't take the stand during the trial is obviously protecting his former boss, Dick Chaney and yet they don't like the way he's being treated. I think sending him to jail is exactly how he should be treated.
Rich Man Poor Man Dept.: Microsoft Chairman and gazillionaire Bill Gates, appearing before congress, made a strong push for improving our educational system in the US. Gates wanted the congress to fund more math and science curriculum in schools.
Members of congress responded that as long as Gates was there, would he mind taking a look at their PC because sometimes it locks up and they lose all their work.
Bigger Mac Dept.: McDonald's wants your arteries to harden even more quickly.
I Have Sinned Against You Dept.: What's that deal in the Bible about "judge not, lest ye be judged." Apparently Richard Land didn't get the memo.
Here's the problem with the hard core Christian right: They vote for the candidate who best meets their moral objective rather than a candidate who can move the country forward. This actually, as we have experienced the last six years, moves the country backward.
Why should the Southern Baptist Convention have an office of public policy anyway? When is someone going to threaten these churches with the loss of their tax exempt status if they don't act more like a church and less like a PAC?
Quiet Please Dept.: Prosecutors want a gag order for the case of a DC madame who was recently arrested because she could potentially embarrass her customers. I, for one, would love to know what Dick Chaney's peccadilloes are.
Larger Capacity Dept.: Tivo and Amazon are about to cost you a lot of money without even leaving your easy chair.
Fire Two Dept.: As correctly predicted in this column, it looks like CBS is following in the footsteps of NBC. If this move doesn't work, you may soon be watching the "CBS Evening News with Rachael Ray."
Hugo Away Dept.: GW is going to lecture South Americans on the evils of Venezuela. BTW, have you seen those Citgo commercials? They are practically propaganda for the Chavez government. And they are running in our homes right now.
Dog Gone Dept.: And now, an important message from Butkus:
Butkus D. Dogg
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