Anatomy of a Tirade
Scene: The Tropicana Dome, Tampa, FL, moments after the White Sox dropped another close game to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen sits in his office moments before he is scheduled to address the media. Guillen is in a good mood, laughing and joking with his coaching staff. Despite the loss, the team is still in first place. Suddenly, the jocularity is interrupted by the ring of Guillen's cell phone. It is White Sox marketing guru Brooks Boyer:
Ozzie: Ozzie Guillen, what the &%^ do you want?
Boyer: Hey Ozzie, it's Brooks Boyer!
Ozzie: Oh, the marketing ^&$%. Why the &%$^ are you calling me? Look, pal, I'm way too %#$%ing busy to help you get rid of all those *%^ing Mike MacDougal bobble heads you ordered.
Boyer: No, no. I've already sold all of those to a skeet shooting range. I need some help selling tickets.
Ozzie: Dude, I'm way too %^&$ing important a man to hold up a *^&ing sign in some piece of ^$%^ TV commercial.
Boyer: Yeah, I know, but you know, the Royals are coming in and ticket sales are really slow because they are not attractive to our fans.
Ozzie: Hey, we're in first place. The *^&*ing Cubs are in first place and they don't have problems drawing people to see the *^&ing Pirates. The &%^&ing Royals are much better than the &%*% Pirates!
Boyer: Yeah, I know, but the fans are confused with two first place teams in town and the Cubs not having won a championship in one hundred years and it being a big deal this year and yadda yadda yadda.
Ozzie: So, what the &%^& do you want me to do? Blow up Wrigley Field?
Boyer: No, I'm already working on that with Jim Thompson. But for now, I need a tirade. I need you to go off.
Ozzie: Why? We're in first place. &%^* Carlos Quentin is a potential all-star, Cabrera has fallen in line, Ramirez is playing well, I'm happy with this *%^&ing ballclub.
Boyer: Yes, I know. But let's say, for the sake of ticket sales, you were pissed off. Let's say we could sell 10,000 more tickets if you would tell the media that this team needs changes, that you are tired of protecting players, that Kenny needs to get off his dead ass and do something or you will make some serious line up changes. With the off day on Monday, it will arouse the fan's interest and they will come to the park just to see what Crazy Ozzie will do next.
Ozzie: Hey! I'm not backing a *^&%ing bus over Kenny. He's my *^&*ing friend. We work together.
Boyer: He's on board with it. He's been working on his terse responses all day.
Ozzie: You sure?
Boyer: Yup
Ozzie: I mean are you 100% ^$%^ing sure?
Boyer: Absoposilutely.
Ozzie: Quit with the *^%&ing yuppie babble, you two bit *^%$ing whore!
Boyer: Sorry.
Ozzie: So, you want me to go in front of the (^&*ing media and tell them my team is &%^& and if Kenny doesn't make &*%^ing changes, I will?
Boyer: Exactamundo, amigo.
Ozzie: Quit with the *^&*ing yuppie babble. I know people in *^&%ing Venezuela that can cut your *^&%ing tongue right out of your (&^%ing head, you preppy piece of *^&*!
Boyer: Sorry, Oz. Can I count on you?
Ozzie: I don't know. I like the way this *%^&ing team is going.
Boyer: Mariotti will write bad things about you. He'll be really pissed.
Ozzie: *^&* yeah, I'm in!
Ozzie: Ozzie Guillen, what the &%^ do you want?
Boyer: Hey Ozzie, it's Brooks Boyer!
Ozzie: Oh, the marketing ^&$%. Why the &%$^ are you calling me? Look, pal, I'm way too %#$%ing busy to help you get rid of all those *%^ing Mike MacDougal bobble heads you ordered.
Boyer: No, no. I've already sold all of those to a skeet shooting range. I need some help selling tickets.
Ozzie: Dude, I'm way too %^&$ing important a man to hold up a *^&ing sign in some piece of ^$%^ TV commercial.
Boyer: Yeah, I know, but you know, the Royals are coming in and ticket sales are really slow because they are not attractive to our fans.
Ozzie: Hey, we're in first place. The *^&*ing Cubs are in first place and they don't have problems drawing people to see the *^&ing Pirates. The &%^&ing Royals are much better than the &%*% Pirates!
Boyer: Yeah, I know, but the fans are confused with two first place teams in town and the Cubs not having won a championship in one hundred years and it being a big deal this year and yadda yadda yadda.
Ozzie: So, what the &%^& do you want me to do? Blow up Wrigley Field?
Boyer: No, I'm already working on that with Jim Thompson. But for now, I need a tirade. I need you to go off.
Ozzie: Why? We're in first place. &%^* Carlos Quentin is a potential all-star, Cabrera has fallen in line, Ramirez is playing well, I'm happy with this *%^&ing ballclub.
Boyer: Yes, I know. But let's say, for the sake of ticket sales, you were pissed off. Let's say we could sell 10,000 more tickets if you would tell the media that this team needs changes, that you are tired of protecting players, that Kenny needs to get off his dead ass and do something or you will make some serious line up changes. With the off day on Monday, it will arouse the fan's interest and they will come to the park just to see what Crazy Ozzie will do next.
Ozzie: Hey! I'm not backing a *^&%ing bus over Kenny. He's my *^&*ing friend. We work together.
Boyer: He's on board with it. He's been working on his terse responses all day.
Ozzie: You sure?
Boyer: Yup
Ozzie: I mean are you 100% ^$%^ing sure?
Boyer: Absoposilutely.
Ozzie: Quit with the *^%&ing yuppie babble, you two bit *^%$ing whore!
Boyer: Sorry.
Ozzie: So, you want me to go in front of the (^&*ing media and tell them my team is &%^& and if Kenny doesn't make &*%^ing changes, I will?
Boyer: Exactamundo, amigo.
Ozzie: Quit with the *^&*ing yuppie babble. I know people in *^&%ing Venezuela that can cut your *^&%ing tongue right out of your (&^%ing head, you preppy piece of *^&*!
Boyer: Sorry, Oz. Can I count on you?
Ozzie: I don't know. I like the way this *%^&ing team is going.
Boyer: Mariotti will write bad things about you. He'll be really pissed.
Ozzie: *^&* yeah, I'm in!
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