I said it yesterday and I'll say it again: I'm a big fan of "Hire Jim Essian!"  I read it everyday and I find it to be very funny and very well put together.  Until yesterday when Bad Kermit lost his mind.

In his post "You Gone, White Sox" Bad Kermit went off on the Sox, their fans, their fans mothers etc. As a Sox fan, I was deeply offended by his remarks.  Therefore, I feel a rebuttal is in order.  If I was in the South, I might challenge him to a duel, but this will do for now.

According to Kermit:

Moments after I changed channels, and fewer than five minutes after the Cub loss, a segment of the 700 Sox fans in attendance began a chant. In a 4-4 tie in that 15th inning, your one good hitter, Carlos Quentin, came to the plate in front of your record store clerk favorite slow white guy, Paul “Pauly-K” (CLEVER!) Konerko. And what was the chant that arose in the hallowed stands of U.S. Cellular Field?

Was it, “Carlos! Carlos! Carlos!”

No.

Was it, “Let’s go, White Sox! CLAP! CLAP! CLAPCLAPCLAP!”

No.

It was “Cubs lost! Cubs lost! Cubs lost!”

That’s the most middle-child, second-rate, Northside-obsessed display you’ve put forth in a long history of putting forth such displays. In order to counter-balance such obsession and keep order in the universe, HJE is willing to chip in to help. So, we’re done. Never again will HJE acknowledge that there is more than one MLB baseball franchise in the fair city of Chicago. You’ll be absent from any power rankings. You will no longer be referenced by name, even during the Crosstown Classic.

Like Cub fans have never dissed Sox fans before.  You sound like you just got off a boat and heard this for the first time.  As for being middle-child, second rate and Northside obsessed, I beg to differ.  Yes, the Cubs get the Lion's share of the coverage because the media is priming the pump to the day when the Cubs actually win something.  The Sox have ALREADY won something and Cub fans can't stand it.  Hate it. Loathe it. I assure you Sox fans are not obsessed with the Cubs, we are obsessed with the Indians, Twinkies and Tigers.  You know, real teams.

Your manager is a narcissistic, delusional rageaholic with a shitty career .264/.287/.338 line and the behavioral tendencies that suggest he’s a wife-beating, child-neglecting, promiscuous sack of crap. With herpes. Even when you’re in first place, your stupid shithead manager can’t manage to keep his mouth shut. Nope. Not Ozzie. He rips his boss, he rips his coaches, he rips his players. I wish he’d rip his larynx.

Cub fans seem a bit obsessed with managers.  Dusty Baker was supposed to be the be all and end all and you guys all creamed your collective designer jeans when he signed, yet four years later you ran him out of town. Face it, Kermit, if Lou was a wife-beating, child-neglecting, promiscuous sack of crap but he brought you guys a championship, he'd be a wife-beating, child-neglecting, promiscuous sack of crap with a ten foot statue outside Wrigley Field. In fact, Harry Caray was a wife beating, child neglecting,  promiscuous sack of crap and they built a statue to honor him! 

Your TV broadcast team is the biggest joke in all of baseball. Thanks to the power of the internet, not only Cubs fans are subjected to the absolute torture of the worst home run call, the poutiest pair of juvenile, failed-GM, mediocre-player bitches, and the most embarrassing homerism (you Sox fans do realize that Hawk had his lips around the cocks of the Red Sox and Yankees before he started fellating your South Side club, right?) in all of baseball. It’s not that tough to call a home run five seconds after it bounces around in the bleachers, assholes.

Bob and Len put me to sleep.  Besides, until you experience John Sterling, Dave Sims or Rick Manning, don't pass judgement because you haven't gathered enough evidence. 

Steve Stone is a pompous f'ing douchebag. I don’t care what he’s done in the past. He sucks now, and it’s not just sour grapes. I thought he was pretty horrible for his last couple of years with the Cubs. You can have him. Enjoy listening to him play dress-up G.M., since no organization in its right mind will ever hire him to do the job for real.

Ah, we finally agree on something.  Stoney was horrible in his last few Cub years because his partner was horrible. Remember him?  Or just the candy ass, oversensitive, non-achieving losers who ran them out of town.  Hmm, maybe a statue of Kent Merker is in order here.

Your ad campaigns are as entertaining as playing connect-the-dots with the red blotches on Hawk’s face. The “Win or Die Trying” campaign? I was pissed you chose “win.” The ads with your idiot players holding up Roadrunner signs that 60% of the fans can’t even read? Annoying. The radio ads where some stupid bitch gets all excited about talking to Jermaine Dye? Horrible.

Thank-you, Captain Obvious

The list of shithead players who have worn Sox uniforms is longer than my- Well, it’s long. Perhaps no team was worse than the one which had fatass Carlos Lee, perfectly-groomed Jose Valentin, crybaby Frank Thomas, and overrated Mark Buerhle. Jim Thome is the only player you’ve ever had that isn’t at least half douche. 

The Sox legacy can't compete with players like Sammy (Better Living Though Chemistry) Sosa, Mark (DL) Prior, Jeff (I like to wear a) Blauser, Moises (I had It) Alou, Kyle (40 winks) Farnsworth, Michael (Duck and Cover) Barrett and of course the great Alex (Wickets) Gonzalez.  Besides, Neffi Perez never played for the White Sox.

You cheated your way through the 2005 playoffs. And you know you did. And you’re proud of it.

You take what the game gives you.  Besides, the Angels had several other opportunities to win in that series.  Sort of like the Cubs in Game seven in 2003.  You know, the one Cub fans forget about because they are still blaming Bartman for game six, even though they could still have won the series in game seven.

Your stadium sucks. “Yippee! We have food!” So does prison.

At least it doesn't smell like a prison.  And, unlike Wrigley, the Sox actually have parking. 

You don’t have anywhere near the number of fans that the Cubs do. Get over it. There’s a reason you can’t fill your park, and it’s because there just aren’t enough of you. I love how every Sox fan’s excuse is, “We’re just too smart to support a losing team.” Nope. You’re just too unemployed to afford it.

Unfortunately, most people aren't Cub fans, they are curiosity seekers wanting to see Wrigley Field before someone tears it down and makes it into a sushi bar.  There are fans and there are fair weather fans and Cub fans in general are like the weather in Nebraska in May...if you don't like it, wait a minute it will change. Besides, Cub fans are the ones who are unemployed.  Just ask Lee Elia.

I would pay upwards of $100 to watch A.J. Pierzynski be forced at gunpoint to eat a warm bowl of his own vomit. $1000 if it was my vomit.

But would you pay that same amount to have Soriano actually catch a fly ball at the end of a game?