Forgive me for being Captain Obvious here, but if you really expect any breaking news to come of Eldrick Wood's "news conference" tomorrow, I'd like to interest you in my ownership shares of the Golden Gate Bridge.

Tomorrow's statement will be a carefully crafted mia culpa, apologizing for past bad acts, apologizing to fans for letting them down and a call to respect his family's privacy.  He may also announce when he will resume his career (since the PGA is sponsoring this deal, I would imagine that's part of the bargain.) It should sound something like this:

"Thank-you for being here today.  As you may be aware, I've made some mistakes in the past that have hurt my family.  I am truly sorry for these indiscretions and hurting Elin and my children.  I am also sorry that I have let down all of the people served by the Tiger Woods Foundation and my many fans.  These are people who believed in me and who have supported my career.  I also want to apologize for bringing negative light to the PGA Tour and its' sponsors.  And to those who have supported me financially over the years by hiring me to endorse and use their products, I can only say that I'm sorry I let you down.

As you know, Elin and I are going through a rough patch and it is my fondest wish that you, the media, respect our privacy and the privacy of our family as we continue to work toward resolving these issues.  My family didn't ask for some of the treatment they have received and as I, alone am responsible for my own actions, I ask that you focus on my life on the golf course rather than what goes on privately in my home.  It will go a long way to help us reconnect as a couple and as a family.

After attending several weeks of counseling and in consultation with my medical team, I am pleased to announce that I have been cleared to compete again.  I will resume my career by playing in The Masters tournament in April.  I look forward to returning to the course and I hope that everyone will handle themselves in a respectful and civil manner.

These issues that I have brought to my private life are not solved overnight and I know that I have a long way to go to understand what caused my behavior.  I only hope that my fans and those I come in contact with professionally can forgive my transgressions and allow both myself and my family a beginning in the healing process.  Thank you. "

It's not like the guy will name names, dates, times and places.  That would actually be interesting.

Here's the kicker: People will trip over themselves to watch it.  ESPN radio is going to carry it live.  So are most of the TV networks. And after he is done saying absolutely nothing, it will get analyzed.  Some talking head or some shrink on retainer (Dr. Phil would be perfect) will tell you what he meant even though he basically said nothing.  And then it will get spun to other shows and blogs where they will analyze not only the statement, but the analysts as well. 

The best thing anyone could do for Tiger is ignore him right now.  Shun him like the Amish.  Show him that you don't give a damn about his personal life (other than advice on how to score with hot blonds.)

Me?  I'm holding out for his appearance on Oprah.  It's coming, bet on it.